Archive for May, 2009

afterthoughts

May 13, 2009

While Dan was still alive at Community Convalescent, we were able to set up a bank account for him with his own money there. He had checks from the govt. he hadn’t cashed since Feb. It is amazing to me, the care he rec’d, from the state of California, all paid for by the state. Hooray for this crazy state! More such programs should exist for people like my brother. Dan had a $39,000. hospital bill marked “N/A” for payment. The Convalescent Center said they would take no money, since he was a Medical patient. The hospice care people wanted no money. The only people who DID take money were the crematorium people, and we have no way of knowing if they even did their job, let alone did it with dignity. They supposedly released Dan’s ashes into the sea. We were not allowed to go along on this trip, nor even know when it was to take place. (Maybe this is one reason why Bahai’s are not usually supposed to be cremated! The Baha’i Writings say to treat the body with respect, as it was the repository of the soul, which is a blessed thing.)

The balance of Dan’s account was just sent to us. Another person who Dan had given money to, is dividing that among the siblings. It appears that, lo & behold, my brother, of all people, is responsible in the end for me having an amount that will serve as a down payment on a house. How ironic is that? At the end, in our last conversation, Dan was all worried about his money, & he said a couple of times, after inquiring about it and trying to fool around with the checks in the book bag, “I hope I did that right. I hope I did that right.” I really have a feeling that he knew he was supposed to do something “right” with that money, for example getting it to his family, and through nothing less than the bounty of God, that has happened. It is nothing short of a miracle, really, as we had very little contact with him at all. I feel happy for him, to be able to do this for his family members in a last gesture.

Since his passing, I have had an image of Dan, healthy, happy, really like a big brother I never had, due to mental illness (and addictions). It is a nice image. It stays with me. As he said that last day, “I’m basically a nice guy. The people here, they all know that.” Dan’s heart was good. We do know that. He was an impossible man with impossible problems, and addictions which brought that selfishness which only addictions bring on a person. Total self centeredness. With those things lifted, he really did have a good heart.

He had a bunch of brightly colored, sharply sharpened pencils in his book bag as well. I gave them to Caspian, my 8-yr-old grandson. He is very proud to have them and has colored with them. Dan would be happy about that also.

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